Went to  your website. I looked at half of it. you did a great job on it.  I wish I had a talent  like that. My uncle died of AIDS when I was 2. i dont really remember much of him. My grandma did say he found out he had it 6 months before he died. He just gave up  on living after he found out.

Hello Ray, Sorry you had a lousy holiday.  Mine wasn't much better, but I did get out to a local church who was serving a delicious dinner.  They even gave me an extra dinner to go, which I ate the following day.

It will take you awhile to heal, and probably never will "totally" heal from the loss, but it does become better as time goes on.

Hang in there!

I actually work in a daycare centre.  Until recently, my age group was two-year-olds.  I used to be an assistant, but now I am the group leader who does relief for lunchtimes.  The hours are less, but I have gone up a pay scale, so I get about the same wage I was getting, for fewer hours.  Because I cover lunchtimes, I get to visit most of the rooms in my day, which I quite enjoy.  In the afternoons, I help out in whichever room I'm needed, usually prekindy (two-year-olds).  I get on very well with the children and their parents.  I have a very good relationship with parents, it's just my boss (director) I don't like!

The holidays are hard, and it is so recent thatyou lost mom. I am glad you have the boys to keep you company.... I know it isn't the same as some one to talk to, but at least they listen, they may not comment much but they also don't interrupt... don't tell you to shut up, and they are soft and cuddly,

Take care.

The 1st holidays are always the worse after you lose  someone. Things will get easier. Love the pictures of your  cats.

I believe I'm now caught up with your past entries.  However, I'm not so sure you looked anything like Rod Stewart...maybe JIMMY PAGE of Led Zepplin...you looked exactly like him.  Just think what a couple you and the staff worker would make (if you were into the ladies? LOL!)....

There's a new group from Ireland called CELTIC THUNDER.  They have one singer...Keith Harkin...YUM...picture below!

Have a great week Ray!!

Hey Ray!

Smart thinking on your part!

The internet is the current frontier and as in many frontiers there are bad guys, bank robbers, snake oil salesmen, card sharks, mine salters, land grabbers, well poisoners, underhanded tycoons, dirty rats, ambushers, and villains with mustaches and wearing capes. We have to defend ourselves or hope for the arrival of a good sheriff, a gun toting marshall, or at high noon, sometimes we have to take a stand on our own. Ya done good, Deputy!

For a long time I couldn't wait to buy the next CD or DVD that came out in my areas of interest, but now I have a good collection and realize I don't watch many of them very often any more--there are too many to watch often enough to justify buying them when one can check many out free from the library or rent the most recent for a dollar from a vending machine at the grocery store. Once in a while there might still be something that's hard to find through those channels, but still at age 62 I have to ask myself how long it will be before I have to start getting rid of prized possessions to be able to move to a nursing home--which hopefully will be more than 20 or more years away, but still in the last 20 years I haven't been very good about clearing out things I have used in that long. I've been better lately but when I look at the accumulation, I probably could have had much more security if I hadn't bought some of what I bought.

Also even though I have a stack of DVDs from the library at home, sometimes I turn on the TV and flip the remote and before I know it, I'm hooked on something I could have done without. And then as I stagger exhausted to be, I wonder where the evening has gone. I get more satisfaction when I don't turn the TV on at all, but lately I'm weak. Sometimes it just seems easier to vegetate and masticate rather than to educate and meditate.

Thank you so much :)  I did order two alcoholic beverages yesterday, it was awesome :D  Yep I sure did, I love rats and I'm not afraid of them but snakes freak me out, it was still cool to hold one though!  I think Justin Timberlake is a cutie too :)  I'm thankful you didn't get scammed.  Have a good week Ray!!

~Tons of love

Hey Ray!

Having s..x with a blender is no fun. Immediately afterwards they start smoking and before you know it, they've rolled over and have fallen asleep. Plus it's in their nature to castrate the men with whom they become involved. Also if a guy takes Viagra, he may have to call the fire department to come and remove the lid if he gets stuck in the hole.

Your apartment looks nice--lots of clear counter space. You must be getting a handle on not accumulating more than you can manage.

[NightListener]

Happy Halloween to you too!  Halloween is my most favorite holiday, I don't care too much for the others :p  I wish so badly I could visit Ireland!  You're lucky :)  Take care *Hugs*

~Tons of love

[imadreamer77]

I love your halloween costume!!

Thank you so much, I am feeling much better!  I hope you have a nice weekend :)  *Hugs*

~Tons of love

I've been missing your entries!  Just keep on moving forward, we all slip every once and a while :)  *Hugs*

~Tons of love

Hey Ray!

Glad to hear you're coming out of the depth of your despair. Your description of depression and anger make me wonder if perhaps you're having a reaction to some of the medications you're on. I think it would be worth discussing with your doctor. I'm glad you are resolved to not drink.

The photo above is weird, but not amusing. Please try to find ways to express yourself that affirm life somehow. Your mother set a great example for affirming life. Please look for her strength within yourself. You loved your mother and she loved life. If you find ways to celebrate life, you will start to feel more positive about life. Do the action and the feeling will follow.

Hey Ray...it's great to hear from you!! I know the void that you feel, I feel it too. Nothing or no one will ever be able to fill it, but just know that your mother and my mother are watching over us, they are our angels. The journey through grief isn't easy, everyone travels it differently and everyone's healing has it's process. It takes time. Take care and I'm sending you this ((((((((HUG)))))))

I found your diary a while back and I hope that you don't mind that I added you to my list. Your mother is so precious and I know that you're missing her. It will be 3 years in March that my mother has been gone and like you, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her or think of her.

I love your kitties...so sweet and they are very loved. Have a great day Ray!!!

Hey Ray!

It was nice to be able to revisit some memories of your mom through video. She had such a sweet, positive attitude toward life.

Your cats are cute. I'm glad they bring you comfort. My son and daughter-in-law have a cat, so I guess my granddaughter is a cat. I've had dogs and birds, but never a cat. Yet the neighborhood cats hang around our house a lot. Maybe I'm overdosing on Omega-3.

Thanks for the clip of "December Bride." When I was a kid, Spring Byington was a sweet old lady. Now she's starting to look hot to me--but not as hot as Judge Judy in her red bathing suit on the cover of People Magazine. Am I getting old or what?

[NightListener]

Hey Ray - Your kitties really are cute - they look like two my oldest daughter had at one time - both orange like yours, only their names were Chuckie and Bubbles - I remember Car 54, where are you? Remember how the guy used his shoe for a phone? I liked the old sitcoms - they were so much better than the ones nowadays - Have you ever watched "Curb Your Enthusiasm" with Larry David? It used to be on HBO, but you can rent the videos at the video store - you sound like you need to be able to laff, so you really should rent them - they are hilarious. Anyway, I am sorry you are feeling so bad about mom - of course it's only natural that you would feel bad,it's only been 3 months since she left.  Remember, this too shall pass - time will heal your loneliness and misery - when my mom was in the throes of passing, my back literally went out - I couldn't stand and the pain was incredible - I didn't think I would walk again - I actually laid in the bed for ten days and got bed sores and everything - that's how bad it was for me, so I can fully understand how you feel. You need to get out more, Ray - you know take some classes or something that interests you, so you can meet other people and get a new lease on life.  You'll see your mom again someday, as we all will see our loved ones,  but for now, she would want you to be happy and get on with your life.  All of us that know you on MDD love you and we are here for you . . . .

It's not hard to tell those kitties are the love of your life, Ray.  Was the kitty condo expensive? 

The haircut is really cute!

Laos seems nice. Apparently they are very efficient at waste disposal, too. I don't know if you'd have noticed this because you were feeling so ill though.

I like your haircut, Ray!  Minty says she could have done that for you, and for a lot cheaper too!  I have never seen Dark Shadows.  I don't think we've ever had it in Australia.  The music sounds really spooky though, like as if it's a horror movie.

Hi Ray, I hope your t-cell count gets better.  I love old tv shows, some of my favorites are I Love Lucy, I Dream of Jeanie, Bewitched, and The Jeffersons.  I'd never heard of My Little Margie but I liked it :)  Hope you have a good rest of the week, and keep going with the no drinking and eating better, I'm proud of you!

~Tons of love

I hope they find a cure for this disease someday. No one should have to suffer from this. Please stay strong...

***EtherealKairi

Trust our darling Denny to read that bit about the table cloth wrongly.  Hee hee.  What a pity you couldn't purchase a man for yourself: someone to love and to be loved by.  I am so sorry for your loneliness.  It is a terrible thing, but I thank God for your kitties.  I'm sure they alleviate a little of your loneliness; I hope so anyway.

I loved these videos, and Lisbon looks really nice.

Your boys are sooooo CUTE!! And they are really handsome too.  Stunning, in fact!  There's nothing like a cat for adding a touch of class to a home.

Did you see my home movies of our kitties in my last two entries?  I think you would like them.

I hope your HIV test result will be great -- the best ever, but don't be discouraged if it isn't. . .yet. It can take time for the body to gain strength after giving up a harmful drug like alcohol. 

I am soooooo PROUD of my dear American brother!  You have shown great courage and character in following your heart and saying goodbye to the bottle, once and for all.  I pray that you will continue to have supernatural strength to maintain this wonderful achievement.  I will continue to pray for you... always.  I admire your amazing strength.  You have been through so much, but you keep bouncing back.  You are a fighter. . . and a winner!

I love your taste in musicals.  I love them all.  And "Let's Go Fly A Kite" was one of my favourite songs when I was a kid in the sixties.  It always made me feel happy and joyful, and like skipping everywhere.  I have very fond memories of that song and all the others from that movie.  I also love "Feed The Birds."  It had a great effect on me as a kid.

Thanks for a wonderful entry.  Stay strong!

I love you, Ray!

Minty.

Great entry, Ray.  Full of interesting stuff.  I'd love to go to Sweden, perhaps next time we travel.

Oh Ray, that pic of you in the pink wig is precious!  I love it.

Love and hugs,

Minty.

Hi Ray, I enjoyed this entry :)  You sound like you are doing good and that makes me very happy.  Maybe one day you can call up your Aunt Lorraine and go to lunch with just her?  Hehe that pink wig looks fabulous on you!  And all those countries you've visited, that is my dream -to travel the world.  So lucky you are to have seen so much diversity!  Well, hope you have a wonderful week next week (:

~Tons of love

hello ray, not much to say but I wanted to say hello.

Dearest Ray,

I loved this entry.  Rio is such a beautiful place; no wonder you loved it so much.

None of your reasons for living are superficial, Ray.  They are all important, because they give you a reason to go on.  I thank God for your kitties, and for your strength and ability to cope.

I, too, was mourning last Thursday, when Hubby and I did our show at the sporting club, because 28th August is also my dad's birthday.  He would have been 84, had he lived.  He was rather like your mother in nature: quiet, gentle, kind and loving.  I miss him. 

I am so proud of you for not drinking on that day, and for abstaining for many weeks too.  Keep up the good work, but don't be hard on yourself if you should fall, because we are all human and need God's grace and His strength.

I love you, Ray!  Have a great day!

I did this Meez of you at a Mardi Gras in Rio.  Hope you like it!



Minty.

Hiya Ray!  How good it is to catch up with you and all your entries!  (I've read up on all the ones I missed!)  I'm glad to see you're doing so well, and I am so proud of you for not drinking last week.  That must have taken great discipline - you are showing such strength and resolve!  Good on you, Ray!  Keep up the good work!  I love you, dear Ray, and I've missed you.

Hey Ray!

Sounds as if you're making it through each day one step at a time. It's good that your focus is on your well being. It's also good to see you working your way through clutter and at the same time renewing some of your old interests in music and travel. Good memories should be allowed to make us feel good.

Despite your loss, you were so lucky to have the mother you had who was so filled with love for you and for life. She had such an uplifting attitude. It's good to see her spirit reflected in you as it is.

[NightListener]

Good going, Ray!

I'm like you in that once I get myself out of the house, I can have fun by myself at public events. While it's nice to have company, it's also nice to navigate without have to negotiate. Thanks for providing videos to bright the fair to life and to bring back a lot of old memories for me.

No sno-cone in ages, although cherry juice stained my shirts twice after pitting cherries. The closest thing to cotton candy in a long time was a can of Monster energy drink. The funnel cakes at IHOP weren't as good as my memories of ones from the amusement park.

I hope you're recovering well from your fall. It's harder to be on one's feet all day the older we get. The sofa is very attractive and will look good with the painting you bought. The hat will work at the Renaissance Festival as well. Glad you didn't give any of the old people a heart attack with it. What! You mean to tell me that those photo machines are no longer 4 shots for a quarter?!! What's this world coming to? Next thing I know you'll be telling me gas has gone up from 19.9 cents a gallon! I still remember when Sno-Cones went up from 10 to 15 cents. I'll be damned if I'll pay 15 cents for a Sno-Cone!!!

I'm so delighted that you went to the fair, dear Ray.  It looks like you had a good day, but it was no doubt very, very sad for you that your mother couldn't be there this year.  She was no doubt there in spirit, because you had strong memories of her all throughout the day.

I do so love all your State Fair caricatures.  They are all different, but all very good.  I have them all in my Ray picture file.  Yes, I have a file of your pics, and I also have a file of my other dearest MDD friends as well.  I treasure these photos, and they come up on my screen sometimes, because they are in my screen saver.  You do look like a hippie in this one, and I like it.

Your photo booth pictures are precious.  You are so adorably cute and funny, dear friend.  You are a gem, and those pics are priceless.

And that HAT!  It really takes the cake.  It is brilliant.  I wish I could've seen the looks on the oldies' faces when you walked in wearing it.  You are no doubt full of surprises for those oldies.  It gives them something to talk about: "that man with the funny hats, those weird, scary masks, and the cheeky T-shirts.  You go, boy!

I really enjoyed and appreciate all your videos and pictures, and that Wanted poster was great.

Your new couch looks gorgeous and your new painting WILL look great hanging above it.

A truly enjoyable entry, Ray.  Thanks for sharing your day with us.

Love,
Minty.

You know one of the things I love about you, Ray? You always know how to have a good time - you always do all the fun things you should be doing and you still have a good time, even though you are by yourself.  I think that's cool - I have a feeling a lot of people wish they could do what you do and be like you are - you wanna go somewhere and do something - you just do it!  And even tho mom couldn't be with you this year, you know she was there in spirit.  I think you might get your ways from your mom - anyone that would go to the fair with a walker and an oxygen tank has a lot of chutzpa ( I think that is how it is spelled) - you know what I mean,tho - a zest for life!  I love that picture you got there and your crazy hat - AND I LOVE your new couch - or the one that you are going to get, anyway.  I remember those pictures in the booth, too - the price was right at one time, anyway - it's getting so expensive to live anymore, I'm afraid they're going to start taxing the air that we breathe - anyhoo, thanks for sharing your cool pictures from the fair - I wish I had been there, too . . . .

Jan  :)

P.S. I don't like fast rides either - as a matter of fact, I've never even been on a roller-coaster.

Later,Gator

Just the other night I saw a tv show all about the Minnesota State Fair, it looks like so much fun :)  I'm sorry you were missing your mom while you were there but at least you were remembering the good times you and her had together.  I'm thankful you didn't get hurt when you fell.  And I love snow cones.

~Tons of love

Hey Ray!

Thanks for your note. I like that you're ready to be assertive with your attorney. You will like feeling in charge once you get used to it and that feeling will spread to other aspects of your life and you'll start to feel powerful.

Regarding friends--don't forget Kevin and then there was that group of guys who started meeting for breakfast on occasion after the high school reunion. Okay, maybe they'll have holiday plans with their families, but you could plan a get together around the holiday times that are not on that day. Being alone on Christmas or Thanksgiving isn't as bad as the songs may make it sound. What you can do to lighten the heaviness you feel in anticipation is to give yourself something else to look forward to in connection with the holidays in general--it can be the day after for instance. Also there are churches and community organizations that sponsor communal holiday dinners which many people attend whether or not they have families. It's a way to meet other people and experience fellowship for the day.

My comment about your lack of comments about other people's lives in our diary really wasn't because I take personal offense, as I don't take personal offense. My concern is that you start practicing your communication skills which should include active listening--showing others that you are paying attention to them and that you care about what they're saying. This skill will open up a lot of doors to you over time. One thing I like about MDD is that it gives us a chance to try out behaviors in a safe and anonymous environment, so that we can learn what works and what doesn't in order to increase our effective social behaviors in our out front lives where people do know us for who we are.

As for being afraid of making mistakes in interacting with people, most people are forgiving and it's not as hard to recover from having been wrong as some people think. I frequently have to apologize for having crossed a line that someone may feel defines what is intrusive or what is appropriate, but I apologize and try to learn from their response and try to recognize that particular boundary in the future--at least when dealing with that particular person. Of course it takes some confidence to be able to make mistakes without being overly critical of oneself. But with practice it gets easier and confidence grows.

Darn!  My computer just posted my comment before I was finished.  I was typing away merrily and *poof* it got posted.

Anyway, as I was saying... I know what you mean about your mother being taken by cigarettes, otherwise known as cancer sticks.  My dad died early because of the rotten things.  Do you smoke?  I don't think you do.  I never have, but my mum still smokes *sigh*

It's such a blessing that you have your gorgeous little boys waiting for you whenever you come home from somewhere.  I love having our babies to come home to.

Q. What do you call two lawyers at the bottom of a river?

A. A good start.  

Love and hugs,

Minty.

Oh, I love Karen Carpenter.  What a tragic loss; her voice was so beautiful, and so was she.

Q. What do you call two lawyers at the bottom of a river?

A. A good start! 

[Trials n Temptations]

Wow!  This entry was fantastic; it must have taken you hours to scan the photos and then upload them and put them in your entry.  I KNOW how much time it all takes.  Well done, dear brother!

You are so precious and sweet Ray.  You were the cutest little boy, and such a cute young man too.  Your gentleness and goodness are evident in your face, and your mom was sooo pretty.  Your grandma looks so sweet as well, and she looks kind.  No wonder you loved her. 

It still twists my heart to think of your father hurling your darling doggie down the stairs.  I have no idea how people can be cruel to animals.  I adore animals, and I know you do too, and that you treat them with the utmost respect and love.  That's the way it SHOULD be.

Once again, thanks for this marvellous entry.  I love you, dear friend, more than you will ever know.  I feel like you are family, my own flesh and blood, and I certainly know why God led me to you.  My life is greatly enriched by knowing you.   I pray you are well, happy and coping well with your terrible loss.  Know that your mother's beautiful spirit lives on, and that you and she will be reunited one day, never to be separated again.

Your MDD sister,

Minty.

Hey Ray!

That you are concerned about what it's costing you to have an attorney assisting you is a good sign that you are beginning to come out of your shock at losing your mom to face certain realities.

It wasn't that long ago that you were bemoaning how helpless you felt and how incapable you felt about doing some of the basic things everyone has to do to maintain themselves in the course of getting through the day. I don't know you well enough to know if you actually do have some sort of disability that prevents you from doing some of the things you fear doing because you've never done them before, but you seem pretty smart to me about self-publishing on the computer and arranging and managing international travel.

When you talk about your inability to do laundry just because you made the mistake of mixing whites and colors, my sense is that you are exagerating and giving up too easily. Unless you do have a mental disability that would prevent you from functioning, in some ways your mother did you a disservice by not making you less dependent on her. You mother was one of the kindest and most loving of people who probably felt bad that your father had been so unkind to you and was probably trying to overcompensate you for that misfortune, but she would have helped prepare you for life better if she had expected you to help more with the laundry, the cooking, the housekeeping. Yes, I know your mother was a packrat and may not have wanted you messing with her things, so there may be all sorts of reasons why things were the way they were. Your mother may have enjoyed cooking for you and doing other things for you, but at some point you were grown up and could have insisted on helping more in order to learn how to develop basic life skills.

Now you need to write a letter to your lawyer--having your words in writing is essential to being able to clearly define your terms about what you want from him and what you don't want; what is acceptable to you and what is not acceptable.

To be honest you seemed to want your lawyer to do all the little things he did for you until you had to face the bill. If you didn't know his hourly rate before, you do now. He charges you for his time. That's how he makes his living and is able to pay for the office rental, the telephones, the computer and office equipment, the office staff, his license fee, his malpractice insurance, his state bar dues, his office supplies. When you pay for your attorney's time you are also paying for the time of his secretary, his legal assistant, his receptionist, etc. because he is the one whose hours are billable and everyone else's pay has to come out of what he charges. He does not give his time away. You pay for everything he does for you at his hourly rate. Therefore it should be up to you when you want him to step in and when you don't. By adopting an attitude that you have been helpless and communcating that feeling to your attorney, you have in effect invited him to step in for every little thing. If you want to change that arrangement in order to save money, you have to tell him--again in writing or by email. Save copies of everything in a notebook binder or file folder for future reference. Be respectful. It's not his fault that you chose to rely on him as much as you previously have admitted doing. But your taking charge now is part of your growing up and certainly a step in the right direction.

If you are not certain what he has in mind as being unfinished business for which you will later be charged, it may be worth your money and his time for him to make a list for you of what he thinks you're expecting him to do. Or you can save money by making a list and sending it to him as asking if it makes sense to him and if he has any disagreement which you then have him state to you in writing. You of course will be charged for any time spent in phone conversations or in his reviewing your file or in his reading and answering your correspondence. It's a good idea when dealing with someone who is charging you for their time to write down your questions as you think about them and organize the information clearly before sending it all to him at once. If you call or write him every time you have a new thought or question, your bill will be huge. Therefore bundle your questions together so that he can answer them all at once. Also before you meet with him or talk on the phone, write down everything you want to ask or tell him because if you ramble or talk off the subject or engage in meaningless small talk, you will still be paying for that time at your attorney's hourly rate, the same as you would if you were discussing business. Often people who get angry with their attorneys, ministers, doctors, professors, therapists, personal trainers etc. are people who don't take responsibility for knowing what they want in advance and for staying focused with their eye always on their priorities.

In school we're often taught to be concise and to the point in our writing, but we're not taught that time is money in many situations and that one reason for being a good communicator is to get someone else's attention and for the lowest cost of doing so. This is true in advertising, in political campaigns, in teaching, in consulting, in publishing, in broadcasting, etc.

Also now that you've seen your attorney's bill and realize how expensive his time is, you should consider how you might start to learn to take over some of the things Bernadette is helping you with because although she's not charging you a fee to help you, her time is valuable to her. Often people don't consider how valuable someone's time is to themselves, if the person being helped is not charged in any way for that time. If you think of Bernadette's time as being worth $300 an hour to her, you might then consider how you can relieve her or what you could do for yourself or learn to do for yourself that you haven't yet started to do--after all, any time we waste or give away, we never get back--and we all need more time for ourselves and for working towards our own goals in life. When someone is as kind as Bernadette is to you, it's important that we go the extra mile in being considerate of their time.

Right now you're still feeling somewhat sorry for yourself, and that's not only okay, but it's quite natural after what you've been through. But the way to avoid being depressed in anticipation of the holidays is to realize that there are others who also feel alone at those times. You might start setting aside some money each week in order to invite some of your friends either over to your apartment for a holiday meal or else to be your guests at a restaurant for a holiday meal--either on the holiday or around the holiday season. The meal needn't be the most expensive or at the nicest place. The important thing is to take the time in some modest way to show appreciation for your friends by making sure they have someone to spend their holidays with by offering them the opportunity to spend their holidays with you. If you think in terms of being there for others instead of just being there alone, you will find it's much easier to be happy and to anticipate the holidays with some joy even though you'll still be sad about missing your mom.

Your comments to me have almost always been about what I write to you about you in your diary. Do you read my diary entries? If so, you might write sometimes something to indicate that you understand some of the things I am going through in my life and that you sympathize or hope that things will turn out all right for me as I hope things will turn out all right for you.

Hi Ray - We love you,too - I'm so sorry you are having to go through this misery about your mom - she looks like a really nice lady - I've been thru it, too, and believe it or not, with time passing, you will feel better - of course you will always miss your mommy, but you will be okay.  When my mom passed, I was so stressed out that my back literally WENT OUT - there was nothing there to hold me up - I was bedridden for like 10 days, so I know the pain of losing your mom.  The trick is, in time, you must find something to fill your days, something good, something interesting,what ever - or someone, maybe to move in with you that shares the same kind of things that you like - for sure a cat lover - life is funny - one minute your going through something devastating and the next, your doing something entirely different in your life that you might never would have thought possible - anyway, hang in there - it's gonna be okay, you'll see . . . .and kiss the kitties whiskers for me . . .

Love,

Jan

Hey Ray!

This IS a very upbeat entry. Thanks. You convey confidence in this entry. As sad as you are about losing your mother, you seem more free--not for being without her--but because one of the things you feared the most has happened and you're still able to go on. You make me believe in you--something about you--your honest I suppose--has always made me feel that you have great inner strength--strength you may not have even realized before until now--strength that will carry you through. Congratulations on having go